Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in my group that never gets angry with anyone. Like, they all have things that piss them off except for me. I never understand why they get angry at each other sometimes. They don't usually fight or disagree, but when they do, I don't understand why they get offended, because I can see both points of views... And so I'm just neutral and uneffected by it. Am I supposed to feel something when my friends argue? Because I don't. I just see it as unneccesary bickering, and sometimes it just makes me feel like our friendship will fall apart. That's the only problem. And even then, it isn't something that effects me deeply it is just a minor worry.
It makes me feel confused and curious when they became angry with others. I never seem to get angry, I am rarely saddened, and not much can cheer me up either. I just feel a bit blank to say the least...
I saw some old people today who had fallen on the side walk. They were surrounded by people trying to help them, and they called the ambulance. I thought they would be fine. I didn't feel any guilt, pity, or shock...
I was only curious as to how two elders had fallen onto the side walk and curious as to whether they would be okay. From what I saw, they were fine, because they were fully awake and aware, just in pain.
I felt absolutely nothing for those elders. And then I realized that no one else was as calm as me about it, they were all sympathizing and expressing worry.
Maybe I'm just very calm and collected, or maybe I just feel nothing at all. Sometimes when I observe the behavior of other people, I examine my own emotions and it makes me realize how different I am. Especially because they give me odd looks or tell me that I am insensitive.
U_U' I don't mean to be insensitive....
Hold on.... I just realized that I enjoy suffering because it gives me something to think about. Like a puzzle. Does that make sense or do you think that I'm a masochist? I'm not a masochist. I just like having things to think about because it allows me to broaden my mind. So yeah..
I guess I'm just sitting here in my self-loathing just to think and to learn more about myself. It took me years to figure out why I never minded this feeling.